my why…
OPTIMAL WELLBEING & TRANSFORMATION.
I am committed to the EVOLUTION of CONSCIOUSNESS, Individually, Collectively, and Globally, as we grow in ever greater expressions of LOVE, PEACE and COMPASSION.
I am in service to the Great Awakening taking place on our planet today. It starts with each of us taking the first step, then the second, then the third… On our unique path of healing into wholeness, a process of deep transformation, as we each commit to our personal Journey of Inner Alchemy towards Optimal Wellbeing.
my journey…
back then…
In 2011, I was working as a landscape architect for a well-established firm in beautiful Marin, California. From the outside everything looked great, but on the inside I was deeply unhappy, unfulfilled, stressed-out, burnt-out, and suffering. Essentially, I was living a life MISALIGNED with my authentic truth.
I lived the first 20 years of my adult life doing what was expected of me. I went straight from high school into college and received my Bachelor of Architecture degree from Cal Poly Pomona. Five years later, I continued on this trajectory and attended graduate school, attaining my Master's in Landscape Architecture degree from Harvard Graduate School of Design. I worked as a well-respected design professional within a prominent firm, worked on high profile projects around the globe, and I was on a trajectory towards becoming a future Principal within the firm. I had the financial security of a 401K, Profit Sharing, Employee Stock Ownership, and full health and dental benefits. I had fun, romantic relationships with handsome intelligent men, friendships with wonderful sophisticated friends, practiced yoga religiously, ate vibrant organic food, hiked the magnificent Marin Headlands, danced tango around the Bay Area, and in general enjoyed the bounties of beautiful Marin California living.
Sounds pretty wonderful, right? Except... Something felt deeply misaligned inside of me. I found myself operating as a complete workaholic, always working late nights, weekends and sometimes even pulling the occasional all-nighter. Personal plans were constantly taking the backseat for the unexpected deadline that arose last minute. Forget about sustaining a meaningful, heart-centered, romantic partnership for any serious length of time ~ 2 years was my general cut-off for intimate relationships with men in my life. I couldn't even commit to having a pet because of the insane work schedule I subjugated myself to.
It wasn't that I enjoyed working so much, but rather I felt I HAD to work like this in order to SURVIVE. I was operating on survival mode. So, I found myself working and managing more and more ~ living and enjoying less and less. I felt depleted, stressed-out, burnt-out, disconnected to myself, unenthused about what I did with the majority of my time and energy, and unable to even commit to a pet in my life, much less a true life-partnership. In short, I FELT I WAS LIVING THE WRONG LIFE! How did I get here? How is this my life?
Those around me couldn't understand why I was struggling with so much internal strife. At work, my bosses would comment on my reticence to grasp what was laid out available for me. In relationship, my boyfriend would struggle to understand my discontent in a life that looked great. Another would struggle to understand the crazy hours I worked. Another would be unavailable himself, because he was even more of a workaholic than I was. You get the picture...
Therefore, despite my beautiful surroundings and seemingly 'secure' life and career, I found myself operating from a place of great imbalance, spinning in a continual sense of lack. I was pushing so hard for survival with all the masculine energy I could conjure up, while oppressing the beautiful feminine energy that was yearning to express, all the while turning a deaf ear to my deep innate intuitive wisdom. All this eventually began to take a toll on my health, as minor health issues began to crop up around 2010. I knew this was my BODY TALKING TO ME and I had better listen up, pay attention and MAKE SOME SIGNIFICANT CHANGES. Amidst all this, a growing DISCONTENT had been gnawing away at me with ever greater intensity as a DEEP SADNESS grew within my heart.
I had no idea just how sad I was until I began studying Ayurveda in 2011. During this first year of ayurvedic studies, we routinely had circles of sharing. During the first circle of sharing, I found myself crying as I began to share my story. A few weeks later, there was another circle of sharing, and again, when the circle came around to me, I started crying. A few months later, at yet another circle of sharing, I found myself crying again as I shared my story. It was then and there, in that third circle of sharing and crying, that I made the PIVOTAL CHOICE that would so drastically alter the trajectory of my life. In that moment, as I sat crying in that third circle, I promised to myself that this would be the very LAST time I tell my story from this disempowered perspective. I was NOT going to continue to make myself the victim of my own life. I was going to RE-WRITE my story from a new perspective, and tell a NEW STORY. In my story, I will be the HEROINE of this great journey of my life!
taking the deep dive…
With no plan in place, no safety net to catch me, no honey to support me, I stood at the edge of this great precipice, staring into the deep, dark scary abyss of the unknown... And I dived, head first...
I returned home from that weekend workshop and promptly sat down to type my letter of resignation, giving the firm one month's notice. As news spread of my resignation, the inevitable question would always arise, 'What's next? What are your plans?' To which I would always reply, 'No plans. I have no plans.' I knew I couldn’t grasp for a plan because I was seeking something beyond what I knew. If I had a plan at that time, it would have looked too similar to the life I was already living, with a few details tweaked.
I needed to dive into that DEEP DARK SCARY ABYSS of the UNKNOWN, without clinging to the safety of the known, and allow that which was beyond my mental realm of possibilities to take shape and rise from the depths of the void. I needed to walk through that INNER FIRE of ALCHEMICAL TRANSFORMATION, to face my inner fears, doubts and demons, and to burn down my attachment to a life and identity I had spent two decades creating and identifying with. I needed to cross that THRESHOLD that lay just BEYOND what I knew to be REALITY, in order to grow beyond the invisible bubble that had kept me playing small and the victim of my life. I needed to EXPAND into new unknown territories within myself, in order to GROW into the HEROINE of my own story.
Since that pivotal day in May of 2011, when I walked away from my ‘safe’ corporate professional career and stepped into the scary void of the Great Unknown, I have been on a powerful journey. It has not always been easy. In fact, it has often been more challenging than I would have ever imagined nor hoped for.
Shedding layer upon layer of attachment and self-identity… I grieved through the Dying process in order to experience the ReBirthing.
Navigating through deep loss and heartbreak… Loss of a previous career/identity/way of life/relationships… Waking to feelings of anxiousness, the panic of not-doing-enough… Sitting with and moving through feelings of failure/shame/disappointment…
Living through the deep loss of a loved one who left us too soon… Having the privilege to be present during the deathing process and sacred moment of crossing over… Picking up the pieces afterwards… Sitting with the void, the loss, the heartache and grief…
Growing in compassion and inner resiliency through the process of being cracked wide open again and again by heartbreak and deep loss. Humbled!
Learning to BE present within the unknown, the uncomfortable… Feeling the beauty and poignancy within the undesired experiences that life can bring… Learning to trust the journey and the process… Learning to not thrash about in reaction to the discomfort, but rather to drop into an Inner Calm and ALLOW life to FLOW through… Staying pliable, flexible, malleable, adaptive… Cultivating deeper Self-Care, Self-Love, Self-Acceptance, while growing in Faith, Compassion and Gratitude… And learning to tune in and trust the INNER GUIDANCE that has always been there.
Despite the challenges along the journey, or perhaps because of them, it has been an amazing journey full of inner growth, expansion and fortitude. I feel deep gratitude in my heart, each and every single day, for the life I live today, the woman I continue to grow into, the teachers that have graced my path, the lessons of growth and resiliency, work that feels aligned, and the deep heart-centered relationships that bless my life.
A life of Re-Connecting, Re-Juvenating, and Re-Awakening to my authentic, beautiful and empowered SELF!!! I have been steeping in the process of Re-Claiming my DIVINE FEMININE, and shining forth her radiance in all her glorious archetypal expressions! Learning to Harmonize the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine energies through their sacred dance within.
my healing journey…
Along my healing transformational journey, I have had the blessings to return to the study and teaching of Yoga, study Ayurveda and work as an Ayurvedic Body Therapist and Ayurvedic Health Consultant, embrace Mandala painting and reconnect with the inner Artist, study Jyotish (Vedic Astrology, the ‘Study of Light’) - Karmic Mapping and the language of the heavens, awaken to the healing vibrancy of Essential Oils (Gifts of the Earth), Tango/Dance, Sing/Sound/Tune, Travel, Embrace the Mysteries of Life as I continually learn to Surrender to the Unknown, and link arms with my Soul Sisters and Brothers, as we participate in the GLOBAL PARADIGM SHIFT ARISING today!
I continue on this journey of exploration as I deepen in my personal practice and study of Yoga, Tai-Chi, Dance, Movement, Sound, Tuning, Mantra, Dhrupad, Vibration, Deep-Listening, Stillness, Silence, Breath, Shamanism, Self-Inquiry, Art of Living & Dying, Rituals, Jyotish, Healing Vibrancy of Plant Essences, Animal Guides, learning to decipher the language of the seen and unseen realms, learning to practice the Art of Sacred Reciprocity in daily living, Cultivating my relationship with the Divine Beloved Within and within All, Beauty Crafting for the sheer joy of Creation as an expression of the Goddess, and so much more. Today I live a blessed life, GRATEFUL each and every day, as I continue to navigate the unknown terrains of this life… with ever greater GRACE, EASE & TRUST.
today…
I stand committed in this Process of Transformation towards Optimal WellBEING! I am here for you, as you embark upon this journey towards your most authentic, joyous and healthful self! Let’s get started! Let’s begin this journey towards your most RADIANT & EMPOWERED YOU!
namaste…
